Cristiano Ronaldo Used To Be Really, Really, Really Ridiculously Ugly

So this is the hottest soccer player in the world, huh? This guy who looks like his favorite hobby is chewing rocks and he cleanses his face in a vat of oil? Byahaha. Kinda gives you help for yourself, doesn’t it? Sure, maybe I’m not red carpet ready at the moment but if you put me up against a younger Ronaldo then I win in a first round KO. Who knows where I’ll be in 5 years, probably the hottest guy in the world with unreal hair, 6 pack abs and lats that make me as broad as a redwood. I’d buy stock in me, ladies. If I follow even a remotely comparable trajectory to Ronaldo then I’m going to be a STUD at 29.

Unless what he did involves making hundreds of millions of dollars and making it his life’s work to improve his body. In that case, I’ll probably slide the opposite way. But if this is just a normal transformation that takes place for all mid-20s and takes no effort? Well then I’m golden.